Week One: Dating, Breakup & Dopamine
I have always been fascinated by how the human mind works.
Why is it that we can convince ourselves we’ve moved on, only to crumble when someone proves us wrong?
Why do we fight to keep things we didn’t even want until they’re gone?
I used to believe the worst pain in a relationship was losing the person you loved.
But that’s not true.
The deepest sting comes when you’re convinced you don’t even care anymore…
and then they walk away first.
It’s like standing in a room you were planning to leave, only to have the door slammed shut in your face — and realizing you weren’t as ready to go as you thought.
Our brains are strange that way.
They can be bored, detached, even cold… until the moment they lose control.
And then, suddenly, we care.
We care enough to feel jealous, angry, even vindictive.
I have a friend.
He says he’s “love-incapable.”
No matter how kind, beautiful, or loyal a partner is… his heart stays cold.
He was with a woman who loved him completely.
She was patient, attentive, and hopeful.
But to him, every “I love you” felt like a lie he had to return.
So he decided he’d had enough of pretending.
He treated her terribly, hoping she would walk away first.
It didn’t work.
So he planned to tell her outright — tomorrow, it’s over.
The morning before his planned breakup, she called him first.
Her voice was calm.
She wanted to end the relationship… because she’d fallen in love with someone else.
And that’s when it hit him.
A sting. A twist in his chest.
Jealousy, hurt, shock — feelings he thought had died long ago.
In the heat of that sting, he wanted revenge.
That night, he sent her a cruel text:
Hey, just so you know… my test came back positive. I’m HIV positive. Let your lover know, and get tested too.
He imagined her panic, her sleepless night.
But she called him.
Not angry. Not panicked.
She offered to come over, to help him through it.
And then she told him she, too, was HIV positive. For three years.
His stomach dropped. His mind spun.
Suddenly, he was the one in fear.
The next day, after a desperate test, he found out he was negative.
Relief flooded him. Gratitude followed.
When he called to tell her, she dropped the truth:
She had never been HIV positive.
She knew his text was a lie, so she decided to play his game… to show him how it feels.
Her words cut deeper than any breakup:
You see yourself now? You see what it feels like to be on the receiving end? You can’t imagine how happy I am not being with you.
The Psychology Behind the Sting
What happened to my friend that night is something psychologists call ego threat.
It wasn’t that he suddenly rediscovered love for her — it’s that she took away his power of choice.
We humans are wired to value autonomy.
When we feel in control, we can convince ourselves we’re fine. But when that control is stripped away, even if we were going to make the same decision ourselves, our brain reacts with anger, fear, and the desperate urge to regain power.
That’s why breakups where you are the one leaving often feel easier than when you’re left — even if you no longer want the person. It’s less about the heart, more about the ego.
And here’s the kicker: revenge fantasies in these moments are not about justice — they’re about restoring a sense of control.
But, as my friend learned, trying to win a mind game can quickly turn into losing one.
The Takeaway
Our emotions aren’t always honest with us.
They’re often reactions to perceived threats to our identity, our status, or our control — not just to love or loss.
So next time you feel that sudden sting when someone walks away, ask yourself:
Am I hurt because I lost them… or because I lost the choice to let them go?
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